Did you know it can take up to four hours to fully open a woman’s body to deep, expansive pleasure? While this might sound like an unrealistic investment of time in today’s fast-paced world, it reflects something fundamental: women’s bodies thrive with patience, curiosity, and presence.

In a culture where speed often replaces sensitivity, we’ve lost touch with what arousal truly requires. Yet honouring the full arc of female pleasure isn’t just a luxury –it’s a necessity. Without proper arousal, not only do we limit the potential for orgasmic states, but we risk discomfort and long-term disconnection from our bodies. In fact, a recent UK survey found that around 1 in 13 sexually active women report ongoing pain during intercourse, though many more experience occasional discomfort – a statistic that speaks volumes about the lack of readiness, both physical and emotional, in many sexual encounters.

When the body is not given the time to feel safe, open, and receptive, it begins to shut down. Over time, the body may numb or dissociate during sex, making orgasm – and sometimes even penetration – difficult or impossible. Understanding the science and emotion behind foreplay is essential in reclaiming our right to pleasure.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL

Did you know the female genitals contain about the same amount of erectile tissue as the penis? It’s simply distributed differently, with much of it tucked internally – hidden but powerful.

As arousal builds, blood flow increases to this erectile tissue, triggering a cascade of physiological changes: the clitoris swells (its full internal structure extends up to four inches), the labia become plumper, the G-spot (also known as the urethral sponge) expands, and vaginal lubrication begins. These changes, collectively called engorgement, are a visible and palpable sign that the body is becoming sexually ready.

Yet, most heterosexual sex still centres on male arousal as the green light for penetration. Experts are now calling for a reframe, referring to early penetration without full engorgement as “premature intercourse.” Not only is this physically uncomfortable, but it also plays a significant role in the so-called “orgasm gap”– the fact that only about 30% of women consistently orgasm during sex, compared to around 60% of men – highlighting a persistent orgasm gap

SO EMOTIONAL

Arousal is not just a physical act – it’s an emotional and psychological process. Our nervous system must feel safe in order to surrender. But many of us are stuck in “go mode,” juggling calendars, careers, and internalised expectations, leaving little time for real presence in the body.

True foreplay begins with slowing down. Letting go. Releasing the need to perform. Many women who struggle with orgasm aren’t broken – they’re just overwhelmed, distracted, or disconnected. Creating rituals of trust, communication, and embodied awareness is just as crucial as technique.

You could have the most attentive partner in the world, but if your mind is busy or your body doesn’t feel honoured, pleasure will stay on mute.

So, how can I have better sex?

Try this gentle self-inquiry:

• How long do I spend on foreplay – with partners or alone?

• Do I feel emotionally safe and physically ready during sex?

• Can I tell when I’m engorged – and have I ever watched that process unfold?

• Do I experience pleasure through penetration? If not, why might that be?

• Where does my mind go during intimacy?

There’s no one-size-fits-all answer, but the key lies in time, curiosity, and awareness. When you start prioritising your own arousal journey, sex becomes not just better – it becomes healing.

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Read more: How to have better sex