Have you ever wondered why you find yourself stuck with the same unhealthy relationship dynamics, no matter who you’re with? Perhaps you always obsessively worry that your partner might leave. Or maybe you find it hard to get close to people and pull away when things get serious. Chances are, your attachment style is running the show. Understanding attachment styles can help explain why we behave the way we do in romantic relationships – and, importantly, how we can begin to change unhealthy patterns.

Attachment style theory addresses the way we relate, or attach, to our romantic partners – and it can be traced back to our earliest childhood experiences. “How love was modelled to you as a child is how you relate to others as an adult,” explains TV relationship expert and BALANCE cover star Paul C Brunson. 

Getting to know your own style and how it might affect your relationships – for better or worse – can empower you to address any unhealthy patterns that might be holding you back. 

Understanding attachment styles

There are four main attachment styles – secure, anxious, avoidant and disorganised. “Securely attached people have a healthy way of engaging with romantic partners,” explains Paul. They give and receive love easily, communicate openly and don’t worry too much about where they sit in their partner’s affections.

Does this sound too good to be true? Then it’s likely you have either an anxious, avoidant or disorganised attachment style instead. “If our caregivers couldn’t consistently give us the love, safety, attunement and connection that we needed as children, then we will develop one of three insecure styles,” explains trauma-informed life coach and somatic experiencing practitioner Sarah Baldwin (sarahbaldwincoaching.com). 

Anxious attachment shows up in relationships as a fear of abandonment, low self-worth, jealousy and a desperate need for reassurance. “You may constantly believe your partner is going to leave you and that you’re not enough for them,” says Paul. “Maybe you message them, ‘Where you at? You haven’t called me! We haven’t spoken in five hours!’”

On the other hand, people who have an avoidant attachment style might feel uncomfortable with intimacy, prefer to spend a lot of time alone and find it difficult to ask for help. “During conflict, people with avoidant attachment tend to pull away, deal with things themselves and even suppress what they’re feeling,” says attachment coach Carly Ann (@carly.ann_). 

Opposites attract

Anxious and avoidant people are drawn to each other, despite their seemingly incompatible styles. Carly adds, “It’s believed they’re attracting people who reflect patterns from their childhood. The familiarity, no matter how dysfunctional, feels ‘safe’ and this is often misinterpreted as a spark.” Paul agrees, “For an insecurely attached person, a secure person seems boring. Vanilla!”

Disorganised attachment is usually rooted in trauma and can show up as a combination of anxious and avoidant behaviours. A disorganised person may crave closeness but when they get it, they push it away. “It can be very confusing,” says Sarah. “One day you might feel like, ‘Wow, I love this person, I’m so attracted to them’, and the next you think ‘This feels so wrong. I’ve got to get away’.”

The first step to making positive change is awareness. Understanding your attachment style shines a light on previously confusing behaviours that can help you build healthier, longer-lasting connections.

So what next for your relationship?

If you recognise yourself (or your other half) in the three insecure attachment styles, the good news is it’s possible to move towards a more secure connection at any age or stage of a relationship

“The one best thing you can do if you’re anxious or avoidant is to find someone who’s secure, because they’ll show you how to love in a healthy way,” says relationship expert Paul C Brunson. “Secure attachment breeds secure attachment.” Does that mean you have to break it off with your insecurely attached partner? Not at all! “The secure person doesn’t have to be a lover. It could be a friend or a work colleague.”  

If you’re currently single:

This is a good time to work on yourself. If you have an anxious or disorganised attachment, start to spend more time alone, doing things that bring you joy. Learning to regulate your emotions with practices such as yoga and breathwork can help decrease your reliance on a partner to bring you back into balance. 

If you have an avoidant style then your aim is to increase your reliance on someone else. “You can practise engaging in relationships with friends and family,” says attachment coach Carly Ann. If you get more comfortable sharing emotions and asking for help, it will become easier in romantic relationships. 

If you’re in a relationship:

Follow the advice above, but support each other to become more secure. “If you’re in an anxious and avoidant match, both partners need to be open to working on themselves and the relationship,” says Carly. “You need to understand each other’s triggers and communicate openly.” 

For people with deeply rooted styles, such as disorganised or severe anxious or avoidant attachments, you could also speak to a therapist or coach.

So which type are you?

Secure Confident, resilient, trusting, open and reactive. Has the ability to comfortably form intimate relationships and can talk about disagreements.

Anxious Sensitive, insecure, turbulent, fears abandonment and lacks boundaries. Becomes very dependent on a partner, often seeking their reassurance.

Avoidant Independent, logical, emotionally distant, low self-esteem and defensive. Avoids commitment and finds it difficult to share feelings.

Disorganised Fears rejection, anxious, intense, unpredictable and demanding. Seeks approval, often switching from desiring closeness to pushing a partner away.

Remember: attachment behaviour patterns are a spectrum. You may not perfectly match up with one of the four profiles – or you may fit one of them, but with a less extreme impact on your relationships.