ABOUT ME

I am a comedian. I host Quickly Kevin, the Nineties football podcast, and am a regular on The Last Leg. I also have Homes Under The Hammer on series link. They stack up, although I do watch a lot of them live.

IT’S NOT ME, IT’S YOU

One main key to being a Christmas host is remembering that it’s not about you: it’s about the guests. This is why I’ve never hosted a TV show and would never want to… Actually, that’s a joke. I would want to.

CHILD’S PLAY

The problem with people coming to you is they want Christmas to be exactly how it was for them when they were a kid. So I deliver the Christmas they want.

My family is vegetarian, so when I was younger, we made vegetarian lasagne for Christmas dinner. It turns out, not everyone wants to eat that for Christmas dinner. Who knew?!

JUST LIKE ON TV

As host, don’t be afraid to take everyone for a pint. I hosted in 2016 and I really, really wanted to go for a pint on Christmas Day. What blew my mind was the number of people eating Christmas dinner in the pub. Anyway, taking guests to the pub is great because it feels like EastEnders and that’s the only place I know where people go to the pub on Christmas Day. So the key is living Christmas as you’ve seen it on TV.

PRESENT TENSE

You really should buy presents for everyone who comes round, but be careful. A friend and I once bought each other the exact same record on vinyl. This either shows we know each other very well, or actually have very little in common and so went with the only shared interest.

KEEP IT LIGHT

Christmas games are a must. Don’t play Risk or Monopoly or anything where there might be aggro. Pictionary is a good one – as is any game you can play when you’re hammered.

We play a game where you take a book from a shelf and get everyone to write down what they think the book’s first line is. Their suggestions are then read out and someone has to guess which answer is the correct one.

For The Godfather I wrote, ‘No-one makes spaghetti like mama used to make.’ I didn’t win.

THE OUTCOME

Hosting Christmas is the best way to do Christmas. I’ll explain: you can drink and not drive, and get left with all the alcohol.

People also do all the washing up for you, and so you’re just left with all the leftover nibbles and alcohol, which is what Christmas is all about.