LEAVE EARLY  

This is absolutely crucial. I’d say 11pm is the perfect time to head home. Why? Almost everyone will be hammered and won’t have a clue. And if you think you’ll be missed, I have bad news: friends and colleagues won’t be wringing their hands or saying the party can’t continue without you.

BITE YOUR LIP

There’s a strong chance that ‘well-refreshed’ friends will say the same thing to you over and over again. It’s an eye-opener as to how boring you must be when smashed. One drunk ex-colleague once introduced me to the same couple three times in 20 minutes. You just have to smile. Through gritted teeth, if needs be.

DON’T DANCE

Not under any circumstances. Ever tweet something sarcastic about Ed Balls on Strictly? He’s Grease-era John Travolta compared with you dancing sober. If your inner monologue has ever asked: ‘Am I getting away with this?’, then the answer is probably: ‘No’.

DON’T GET A ROUND IN

Think I’m being a Grinch? Fine, get a round in when everyone is guzzling Prosecco by the skip-load, and you’re sticking to lime and soda. Again, no one will remember. The choice is yours: spend 80p a drink or, as your friends head to the club, prepare to grovel at the bank for a second mortgage.

BE YOUR OWN GETAWAY DRIVER

Where possible, take the car. It makes getting to and from any party a doddle and you can pop out and listen to 5Live while everyone else dances the night away. Other teetotallers may even join you for a breakaway gathering of your own.

Want more of James’ wit and wisdom? Hop along to his Thursday night stand-up comedy club in Kennington, Always Be Comedy. He’ll have a lime and soda if you’re asking.